I hate how I let small, seemingly unimportant things bother me, but I’ve recently begun to understand why I do. It’s been a progression.
In my life, there have been a lot of broken dreams, broken promises, and disappointments, whether it was trying and failing to watch them film a movie here over the summer or planning a vacation for months and having it canceled at the last minute or even just wanting to see a play but not finding anyone who could go. Probably 75% of things I really want to do (and should even be able to do) ultimately fail, and it’s been that way since I was old enough to want to do things.
And after 26 years, it’s kind of reached the point where I’m used to the big things going wrong, so it hardly even bothers me anymore. Like, I almost expect it to go wrong, so it can’t really disappoint me too much when it does. But now it’s when the small things go wrong that I really get upset – way too upset in proportion, actually.
Case in point, I was recently offered something by a good friend, who knew it was something I really, really would enjoy having, and there was even an effort to give it to me. But when the first attempt failed, that was it. My friend decided he didn’t want to give it to me – which was entirely his right, I might add. It wasn’t really something I deserved to have, anyway. It’s not so much that I’m not getting it that upsets me, but that he went so far as to try to give it to me, which, in my mind, meant I was going to get it, and now I’m not.
I realize that entire example is vague and probably confusing when you have no clue what I’m talking about, but the point is, it wound up seriously upsetting me. In reality, it’s not even remotely important, but when you live your life not getting very many of the big things you hope for, the little things become huge to you. It’s sad when, like, an episode of a TV show excites me as much as – I don’t know – an all-expenses-paid vacation or something would excite most people. When it’s all you have, it means more to you than it would to most others.
I need to learn to not let things like that bother me. But it just gets added to the list, and it brings up the memories of all the other things that have gone wrong. I need to stop bottling up my feelings and truly learn to get over things. And I’m working on it.
This is really one of the most muddled, incomprehensible posts I’ve ever written, but it was on my mind, so I figured I’d get it out. Maybe it’ll make sense to you.
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